Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
