Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
