Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
