my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Randomize
