my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Redeem this text for a blowjob
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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