Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
