we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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