i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
