I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
