I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
