Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
