Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just invented taco cereal.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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