By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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