Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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