cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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