Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
