cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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