I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
