i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
