This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
