I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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