Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Still dying that you shit outside
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
