My hand turned me down
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The struggles of a small town man whore
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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