i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize