Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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