No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
