i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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