did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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