the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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