I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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