I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
