OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize