You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
