I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Only a mothe r could love this liver
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
