I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
