I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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