I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
