Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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