So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
