i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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