Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
