Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
