Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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