just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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