I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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