dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We talked him into tasing himself.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
