I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
