I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I feel like a drive thru vagina
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Randomize
