Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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