Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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