Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
