If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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