we're chasing vodka with high fives
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
