your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
