hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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