real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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