was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
