would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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